


I'm okay with being him

by quantumoddity



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anal Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Tender Sex, Trans Fjord (Critical Role)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:08:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21953449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quantumoddity/pseuds/quantumoddity
Summary: Fjord and Caduceus spend a night together
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 2
Kudos: 151





	I'm okay with being him

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MinkyForShort](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinkyForShort/gifts).



Fjord had spent so many years trying to be bigger. Standing taller than felt natural, setting his jaw to hide his tusks and look tough, keeping everything tense until it ached. 

Hating what he saw in the glass. 

Anything it took to convince the world and himself that he was big enough, strong enough to survive. 

Melora had changed that. Caduceus had changed that. 

With Caduceus he could be small, he could want comfort and he could live safely in the knowledge that it was okay.

Fjord lay on his stomach, one arm lying under his chin, the other reaching over so he could trace the patterns shaved into the underside of the firbolg’s sweep of hair. His fingertip carefully followed the curving, swooping path, a seemingly aimless wandering that actually contained runes and symbols when you looked closely. 

“Who did this?” he asked softly, the first words either of them had said in quite some time. Though they hadn’t been quiet by any means.

“My sister,” Caduceus’ voice was raspy and low, his eyes not opening as he answered, “She enchanted it so it wouldn’t grow out.” 

“And what does it mean?” Fjord felt like he asked a lot of questions when he was with Caduceus. Like it was okay not to know things. 

“It’s a map, dear.”

“A map of what?”

Now Caduceus’ eyes did open, their unnatural purple colour glowing in the low light, too light to be violets, to deep to be lavender, like a sky constantly shifting between dawn and twilight. 

“Me.”

Fjord liked that idea, that everywhere you’d been and everything you’d done could be written out so beautifully, “Could I do that?”

Caduceus smiled, his broad, kind face lifting with it, “I imagine it would have a lot of waves…”

Fjord grinned, aware that it made his tusks rest against his upper lip but not hating that, “Yes, most like.” 

“It would look nice,” Caduceus reached out and rested his warm fingertips against Fjord’s cheek, bringing them up to comb through his dark hair, as if imagining where the pattern would go. 

Fjord knew he was blushing, he could feel the heat across his cheekbones. How something as simple as that touch could get his blood up after everything they’d done since the inn door closed behind them, he had no idea. Some things just got to him more than others. 

“My journey isn’t exactly the most...inspiring,” he murmured softly, feeling the words in another voice, at the back of his throat, “Maybe there’s some things I don’t want to carry for all to see.” 

Caduceus’ face softened, his fingers slipping through the silky strands of Fjord’s hair, where it went from black to grey at the front, “But they’ve gotten you here, they’ve helped you be who you are right now. And I love who you are right now.” 

Fjord had to close his eyes for a moment, he still wasn’t used to feeling so many things at once. Caduceus just lay on his back, fingers still softly stroking, giving him time. He always understood. 

“I don’t know if I love who I am right now,” he eventually murmured, opening his eyes a little, just enough to see a rough sketch of Caduceus still there, still here for him, still listening patiently no matter what he said, “But I’m okay with being him.” 

The ear that wasn’t pressed to the pillow picked up happily. They reminded Fjord of the bell shaped mouths of some exotic plant. 

“That means a great deal to the people who care about you, Fjord.”

People, meaning more than one. A whole group of people that could almost be called a family if you stretched the traditional definition. People he had been so scared of being unable to protect, people he’d been sure would find no more use for him after the loss of his magic. But it was only after that, after he’d felt himself broken down to less than he’d been before, that he realised he had a family. He had a calling. He had a lover. He had worth beyond what some demon from the depths could give him. 

“Have, um…” Fjord had to clear his throat of the lump that was forming there, “Have I talked about my feelings enough to earn another round?”

Caduceus chuckled, a deep rumbling sound that was pure joy, “Is that what we’re doing? Trading personal growth for love making?”

Fjord stifled a fond groan. Caduceus always found the worst way to phrase it, he could never just say sex. 

“It feels like it sometimes. That’s therapy, right?” he smiled, teasingly. 

“Absolutely not, that would be quite unethical,” Caduceus grinned, teeth bright in the low light, the lantern had burned out long ago and there was nothing but the yellow moonlight in their little room, “Fortunately, I’m not your therapist, I’m your boyfriend.” 

Fjord turned that word over happily in his mind. Boyfriend. He couldn’t even imagine having one of those a while ago but now he did, he couldn’t remember how he got along without one.

“Well, in that case…” Fjord rose up, pushing himself onto his knees and throwing a leg over Caduceus, straddling his hips. 

Almost instantaneously, there was something hard pressing against the small of his back. The simple fact that Cad was big enough for him to feel the pressure there had that wonderful ache going between his legs, never mind how fast he could get it up at just feeling their bodies pressed against each other. 

As calm and placid as he was, Fjord had soon found there were a number of different ways to wind his firbolg tight, to have him growling and begging and tense with need. But he didn’t want to do that right now. Right now he just wanted to feel like they were one person rather than two. He just wanted the closeness. 

Caduceus reached back, massaging Fjord’s ass and slipping one finger into the crease of his body, “Still open enough for me?”

“Think so,” Fjord bit his lip, “Wouldn’t mind if you wanted to check…”

Caduceus smiled, even looking a little smug, pressing that finger against his hole, not insisting, only moving into him once his body gave him access. Sure enough, there was enough slack to his muscles from earlier in the evening to offer no real resistance but still he probed a little, just to see Fjord’s face tense in rapture and watch his chest flush, everything turning a warm, darker green apart from the scars that littered his body. The myriad of smaller ones and the two twin incisions across his chest that had actually been given time to heal cleanly. 

“I think you’re ready,” Caduceus purred, the rumbling starting in his chest, “Talk to me, okay?”

Fjord nodded, knowing Caduceus would worry he was hurting him unless he communicated otherwise. Apparently he was much noisier than anyone else he’d slept with and it had startled him. 

Not that his worries were unfounded, given his size compared to Fjord. It had taken time, a lot of exploring and going slow and morning afters where Fjord decided to gingerly walk alongside the cart rather than risk sitting in it. But now he was strangely proud of how easily he could cope with his firbolg lover and shamelessly turned on by their size difference. 

So as Caduceus lifted him up, effortlessly, and seated him on his cock, Fjord loudly gasped and moaned in delight, “Gods, that’s good…”

Caduceus moved one hand from the half orc’s hip to cradle his face, “Sweet boy. I love how you look when I’m in you.”

Vision a little blurry, Fjord looked down at Caduceus, at his beautiful cloud of silky hair, growing paler by the day like a dying flower, at his slate grey hair glowing softly in the night, at his own slick beading on that fur where their bodies met. It could all so easily be too much, enough to make him come apart at the edges. But that hand against his face, large enough for him to almost fully rest in, kept him grounded. 

He could feel small. He could feel vulnerable. He could allow himself to sink into it all and know there would be a way out. 

He whimpered as he began to bounce on Caduceus’ cock, feeling his nerves come alive. Words spilled out of him in an endless rush, telling him how big he was, how much he loved to feel him, how he was his, always his. Caduceus said nothing in response, he only purred and groaned softly, saying much with just those gentle, loving noises. 

“Can I touch you?” was the only thing he said, to an emphatic, desperate yes. 

His fingers left his hip, letting Fjord take full control of the speed and intensity of his thrusts. Now one hand cradled his face, the other slipped down to the juncture of his legs. He pressed his thumb against Fjord’s clit, practically able to feel his pulse, the blood rushing wantonly under the skin. 

After that, he was gone. 

With a scream of Caduceus’ name, as devoted as any prayer, Fjord came hard. Caduceus was half a heartbeat behind, groaning through clenched teeth, filling him with heat. Muscles failing him, Fjord fell forward across the firbolg’s chest, enough to feel the aftershocks of his lover’s orgasm, the part of his brain still working delighting in knowing he’d caused them. 

Once he was in control of himself again, Fjord sighed and pressed a soft kiss to Caduceus’ chest, shakily lifting himself up just enough to separate them. But still he didn’t move away, content to stay splayed across his chest, listening to his heartbeat. 

Caduceus’ hand still cradled his face, thumb stroking across his cheekbones, the ones he’d always hated for being so frail. His other hand caressed his bare hips, the one’s Fjord had despised all his life for being so curved. When they finally did roll over, Caduceus bent and kissed the twin scars across his chest, the one’s Fjord’s stomach had always clenched at because they reminded him that his body hadn’t always been somewhere he wanted to live. 

Everything Fjord had resented and hated, Caduceus touched with such tenderness, all of it parts of a whole he loved. And when he did, Fjord could start to love them himself. 

Caduceus really had changed so much. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to leave a comment!


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